People who sleep late call me a morning person because I wake up in the a.m. and can produce English words before drinking coffee. Real morning people look down their nose at me because I’m not up with the sun, jogging in short-shorts while dragging an enormous iron canister of water.

Friends with teaching jobs think I’m a night person because I stay up past eleven thirty a lot of the time. My real night owl friends tease me because I don’t routinely stay up until three or four in the morning watching YouTube videos or eating tacos bought out of some sort of motor vehicle.

Honestly, I do my best work between 10am and 2pm. Then, with the proper regimen of caffeine, naps, and motivation, I can open up a second window of productivity from 7pm until 11pm. After that, the returns on any work I try to do are so diminishing that you should probably not allow me to drive a car or even make the iPod playlist while you drive a car.